Saturday, March 24, 2012

Confession #8: A Question of Purity

Confession #8: I am waiting.Yes, you read correctly, and yes I am implying that I am waiting to have sex. And let me say this before I continue--it is the most difficult choice I have ever made. Of course, having grown up in a Southern Baptist Church, I believed that premarital sex was a no-no. So, for years there was no issue concerning the unspeakable matter. Then, my family packed our bags and headed to a small town in Georgia, where the population drives golf-carts. All of this to say, that on one insignificant day, I drove my golf cart up a hill and thought: "What's the point of it? What's the point of waiting to have sex?" And for some inexplicable reason, I decided to wait. Because I believed in some greater purpose for it, that it's not really about virginity but about something more. I was fifteen.
Now, I'm a tad bit older, a bit less naive, and a lot more cynical. Because when the real thing confronts you, the consequences of your beliefs--you realize that it's come with a heavy price. And I was angry with God. Because it's incredibly unfair to ask me to hold out. It's unfair to have always had responsibility. It's unfair to have never had a time of sheer rebellion. What the hell was the importance of sex? I waited this long, so wasn't that good enough? The world condones it, and in fact, thinks I'm crazy for waiting. And I hear all the arguments: everyone does it, and yes even Christians do it; God only meant to condone abstinence for a certain time; try several sexual partners because if you've never had experience, how can you know if the guy is any good? I've heard all of these arguments again and again until I want to run away screaming. All I want is justification, and let's be honest, I want a green light from God to be able to have sex. So...
This is when I open the Bible, whose crisp edges I realize haven't been turned in a while. Hebrews, here we go:
"Dear friends, if we deliberately continue sinning after we have received knowledge of the truth, there is no longer any sacrifice that will cover these sins."
Seriously. Really. So, I read again. Yes, I still feel that same conviction, that still small string that plucks at the truth. And this when I realize that there is no mediocre relationship with God. No going halvsies. It's all or nothing. Because a mediocre relationship is not worth living for. I've sadly seen that this is what I've been doing. Going off how I FEEL about Jesus, making it all about me. If Jesus is about what I feel, then he's not worth it. Because my emotions change with the wind, fleeting and completely inconsistent. So, what started as a search for sex became a journey for truth. And here's what I've gotten so far:
"Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right." (Song of Songs 8:4)
When it all boils down, waiting to have sex is really about something more. Saving yourself is about something more. And let me make one thing clear: it is not for another man. No, not even your husband. No, not even for your dream man. Because if waiting to have sex is about waiting for Mr. Darcy to come along, then give up now. Because waiting to have sex for the future husband will only lead to sorrow and disappointment. It's about God and always has been. I've just been too selfish to realize it, always thinking I've been pure and blameless, sexually, before God.
"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy." (James 1:2).
Virginity does not equal purity. Purity is about something more entirely. And on both accounts, I have failed. Because guess what? Every sin is equal in the eyes of God. My lustful thoughts are equal to anything else. Seriously. That's when I realized this question of purity is really a question of faith.
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." (Hebrews 11:1)
Waiting is about purity. Purity is about faith. The very definition of purity lies in BEING PURIFIED. There will be troubled times. It will be difficult. Being faithful will be the hardest task. And it ultimately comes down to each of us. No one can tell us what to believe or how to live. The only thing I know is that a life is not worth living, unless it's lived to the fullest. And that's my journey, to discover truth, to remain faithful, and love God and his wonderful people.
Please, O women of the world, do not awaken love until it desires. Wait, because the wait will be worth it. Not for someone else, not a man, certainly. But for something greater.
More to come soon because I have a feeling this needs to be talked about, this thing called purity.

1 comment:

  1. I am waiting too and this has given me something to think about, I am one of those people who believe in soul mates. So I have always been saving it for that one person weather she does the same for me or not (I would like to hear your thoughts on soul mates) but from reading this, I feels like God truly knew what things that could comes in our life, sex changes people or so I'm told from the ones who didn't wait. Our waiting is for God and for ourselves

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