Confessions #3 and #4

. The first Disney movie I never watched was Beauty and the Beast. I used to watch it over and over and over again. In fact, I can even quote the sound effects. Anyone who has ever watched it with me understands and is nodding with sarcasm. I used to make up stories of how I was trapped inside an enchanted castle, fought my way through, and magically felt the love of a beast. I pretended to be Belle. Of course now, I see exactly why. I saw myself in her, even at five years old. Belle--her passion for books, her loyalty to her family, and most of all, her need for adventure-- I found belonged to me.

"I want so much more than this provincial life! I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand to have someone understand... I want so much more than they've got planned."

At fifteen, Belle's character would resurface in the form of Elizabeth Bennet. I knew immediately that Jane Austen somehow knew my life, how I reacted to situations, how I saw society around me, and how I felt out of place. I understood her more than any other character, and by understanding her, I began to understand a different part of myself. Elizabeth--her passion, her vivacity, her fearlessness--I saw in myself. To this day, Pride and Prejudice is my favorite novel and cultivated my love for literature.

All of this has a point I swear. You see, these two women fostered growth and have made me the person I am today. Granted, they are fictional characters, but I'm English major, so I can get away with stuff like that. All of this to say, that there is another side to the coin, another deck of cards so to speak. Here it comes....

Confession #3: I am fiery and independent. It's who I am. Because it's as deeply rooted as my hopeless romanticism, I find that I am at war quite a lot. It's like Beyonce and Snow White are in hand-to-hand combat, hoping to finish the other off. Not a day goes by when I don't contradict myself. "I want a man ... no I don't-- I want to be independent... I want to be swept off my feet by a prince.... what I am thinking, I can rescue myself!" These pathetic and hypocritical ponderings eventually lead me to realize that maybe being singe isn't that bad after all.

Confession #4: Being single is awesome.Yes, it's true. I've looked at both sides now (as Joni Mitchell says), and can say that I've enjoyed and been far more fulfilled in singleness. I am absolutely free. That independence, that vivacious spirit within me cries to find meaning and purpose in this life, and as a single woman, I have come closer to God than as a woman in a relationship. This singleness may only be temporary or it could last until I die, who knows? But this I do know: I will not sacrifice purpose for the love of a man. I have been down that road before, and I tell you it only leads to heartache and pain. I've lost who I am before, and I will not do it again.

Did you just judge me again? I think you might have. And whether you judge me from bitterness or understanding, I really have no idea, but I hope someone out there does glean a bit of usefulness out my slightly crazed confessions. At least I'm honest. Who knows? Maybe you'll end up not thinking I'm so crazy after all.