Confessions #5 and #6

Confession #5: I've eaten a giant chocolate cupcake ALONE in the Kroger parking lot. It was one of the best cupcakes I've every had. The chocolate icing swirled like whipped cream and sat perfectly atop a fluffy vanilla cake below. All for under $3 too. Pretty good deal, unless you factor in the fact that I was alone, in a Kroger parking lot, listening to Jason Mraz's "A Beautiful Mess."

These are the best and worst moments of my life. It tasted so delicious, so juicy sweet! And then it went straight to my thighs. It's these very moments where I feel like Smeagol confronting Gollum. I stroke the cupcake, slithering "My precious..." and then I snatch the box and toss it inside, only to devour it 30 minutes later.

I've battled food for five years now and lose most of the time. Because when isn't there an excuse to eat?

"Oh... I'm just feeling a little depressed." (Eat 5 Oreos)

"That guy really just pissed me off!" (Eat a fistful of chips)

"It's PMS..." (Eat a whole gallon of ice cream)

I haven't learned to control this habit yet. And honestly, this will probably be one of my most open and heart-felt confessions:

Confession #6: Food is an idol. I can't wait for my next meal. Seriously, I feel like a T-Rex tromping through Jurassic Park trying to find the goat. It's an uncontrollable appetite that begs to constantly be fed. So I feed it. Ah, but here's the problem-- I am absolutely miserable when I feed that little Cookie Monster. My biggest fault stares at me in the mirror everyday, and everyone else can see it too. That's the problem with food; you can't hide its effects.

Hopefully, you're the past the point of judging me. In fact, I have a sneaky feeling that you identify with some of what I have said. Because everyone has an idol. Drugs. Sex. Drinks. Gossip. TV. Friends. Women. Men. We're all human. It's a weakness, that thing that makes us fall. And when we fall, well, sometimes we just lay on the floor because it's too much to bear. That's what I've done. It's easier to sit next to the chocolate cupcake than to get up and throw it away. Therein lies the rub, my friends. It's easy. It's comfortable.That's what an idol is. Instead of getting up off the floor, I pray that the cupcake will disappear, or that I'll suddenly find myself standing--skinny and happy and healthy. I can attest that this has never happened. There is no magic spell, no formula, no prayer that knocks down an idol. It's discipline. It's endurance. It's faith.

I woke up this morning to a text from my cousin, and saw a quote by one of the wisest people I know: DUMBLEDORE.

“Dark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right.”

I would typically laugh and go on with my day after reading this text, but for no particular reason it resonated with me. It's easy to eat the cupcake. It's right to leave it. Soon, very soon, I'll have the courage to leave it, that cursed chocolate idol.